I never thought I'd ever really have to admit it. Usually, it just happened; it was just there--sans dispute. Fair enough.
Today, I feel the need for it. I feel the restless desire of my soul long for it. That's right.
I want the cool tiles beneath my bare feet. the rusty railing fencing in the balcony of my room. I want the freedom of the sky atop my cement roof. I want the smell of Raid, of old furniture, of fresh paint, of Suavitel and cold plaster. I want the bedroom-sized bathroom, the transparent shower curtain with the bright fish, the echoing doors.
I need the long walks to somewhere, the definition of time. I need again the unchanging breeze, the immobile mountains, the back of his motorcycle. I need the warm sun, milkshakes from the mercado, sabritas from the corner store.
What I wouldn't give, what I wouldn't do.
Mexico... its valleys pulsing with richness, apprehensive, waiting. For me, one valley in particular throbs with expectancy. One valley awaits patiently my arrival, as I await my ticket out of Hell.
Every day passes, and slumps in the another. One day, I'll be free. One day, I won't be confined to four walls.
I just want it back: the possibility of seeing once more my grandmother bustle about the kitchen or my grandfather tampering with his how-many-year-old radio by his shed in the backyard. At least once more, I'de like to walk onto the warm cement and see the countless fruit trees in our large yard, or the lavadero and rose bushes leading to the front gate. I want to lie in bed into Sunday afternoon in a tank top, fuzzy covers writhering between my long limbs, eyes closed, arms open, TV on.
The telephone rings, I'm on my way. Into the bedroom-sized bathroom with the transparent curtain I go.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Letter of Love from an Old Enemy
Un Amor con Maquillaje
Conocernos parecia ser un juego,
Entendernos una contradiccion, que se consumia con la desesperacion de vuestro corazon.
Tan audaz y tan tenaz fuimos enredando esas locas ansias de una persecucion muy poco predicible. Como pequeñas aves que poco sabian lo que hacian; que poco sabian de las cosas del amor, creimos tenerlo todo dominado cuando el dominio no estaba en nuestras manos.
Sin saber ni comprender que los juegos del amor divierten al corazon y que la diversion es una medicina para el rencor. De uno modo u otro se escribió una historia, que si buena o mala.
Era tuya y era mia y sobretodo era un inocente amor.
Las tardes y noches de risa, y caricias que eran dificiles de concluir, con las ansias de dos adolescentes que querian vivir.
Como buenos niños, nuestras absurdas peleas tuvimos, mas sin embargo entre mas una cosa se aleja de la otra, parece que mas se atrae. Pasaron cartas, recados, canciones, e inclusive un sinfin de alucinaciones. Mas sin embargo, tu y yo estabamos en nuestro lugar de siempre....
Pareciese que pintabamos un futuro seguro, como si lo seguro se combinara con el amor! ¿o sera que realmente no conociamos el amor?
¿O creimos sentirnos tan fuertes para enfrentar lo que este mundo nos pusiera en frente?
Nuestro mayor lazo, no eran las peleas, los besos, abrazos, ni mucho menos la atraccion. Todo iba mas alla de lo simple porque lo que nos mantenia ligados el uno al otro era nuestra loca manera de pensar y de ver este bello mundo.
Sin embargo, el tiempo pasol nuestros cuerpos se separaron y algo en ti y en mi cambio. Para nuestro reencuentro mi corazon palpitaba con gran energia porque un bello arreglo de rosas te entregaria. Todo parecia renovado. El amor era perfecto. Creimos poder vencer a todo y todos por que creimos en nuestros sueños e ideales, pero sobretodo sabiamos que la distancia solo era un pretexto para amarnos mas y mas.
La metamorfosis llego, nuestros mismos ojos, aparentemente el mismo amor; pero habia algo nuevo que se podia ver mas alla de las ventanas del alma. Ya no eramos niños ni tampoco adultos. Pero ambos teniamos nuestros retos personales, que no iban con los ideales de un amor de verano. Yo, de mi parte, no era de los que se abrian por completo y dejaba ver mas alla de la vacias palabras. Tu, la que intentaba ser mas racional y medir lo que diria, hablando mas pero dejando un lado oscuro y misterioso. Un lado de los dos, que a ambos nos consumia el alma.
Nuestra aparencia interna cambiol el amor se escondio tras los sueños y metas que juntos idealizamos tanto. Una onda de humo invadio y trunco a dos locos jugando a enamorarse. Aunque el intento para no separarse no fue grande, los antiguos daños, las cicatrices recien sanadas, y las situaciones personales... eso y mucho mas carcomieron el amor de dos seres que creyeron poder venver al mundo cuando ni siquiera pudieron superar sus fluctuaciones.
No son ni mejores ni peores, solo que ahora intentan conmprender el sentido de esta vida, lo que realmente quiere para cada uno, si es que asi es, o solamente fue un amor que surgio de la casualidad. Pero mientras casa quien por su lado lo descubre, el Amor que existio y que habita en lo profundo de sus corazones, se pinta, se disfraza, y se maquilla solo para ser descubierto para no tener que revivir o reinciciar algo con dos locos que aprendieron junto a él, a conocer de cerca el Amor.
Porque por ahora se conforma con maquillaje, tapandose quizas para desaparecer o quizas para ver si ese par de inocentes adolescentes deciden jugar nuevamente al amor. Porque el amor divierte cuando se aprende a reir junto a él pero sobretodo cuando se hace complice de la vida misma.
- XXXXX XXXXXX XXXXXX
(Sorry I didn't include accents. Los agrego luego!)
Conocernos parecia ser un juego,
Entendernos una contradiccion, que se consumia con la desesperacion de vuestro corazon.
Tan audaz y tan tenaz fuimos enredando esas locas ansias de una persecucion muy poco predicible. Como pequeñas aves que poco sabian lo que hacian; que poco sabian de las cosas del amor, creimos tenerlo todo dominado cuando el dominio no estaba en nuestras manos.
Sin saber ni comprender que los juegos del amor divierten al corazon y que la diversion es una medicina para el rencor. De uno modo u otro se escribió una historia, que si buena o mala.
Era tuya y era mia y sobretodo era un inocente amor.
Las tardes y noches de risa, y caricias que eran dificiles de concluir, con las ansias de dos adolescentes que querian vivir.
Como buenos niños, nuestras absurdas peleas tuvimos, mas sin embargo entre mas una cosa se aleja de la otra, parece que mas se atrae. Pasaron cartas, recados, canciones, e inclusive un sinfin de alucinaciones. Mas sin embargo, tu y yo estabamos en nuestro lugar de siempre....
Pareciese que pintabamos un futuro seguro, como si lo seguro se combinara con el amor! ¿o sera que realmente no conociamos el amor?
¿O creimos sentirnos tan fuertes para enfrentar lo que este mundo nos pusiera en frente?
Nuestro mayor lazo, no eran las peleas, los besos, abrazos, ni mucho menos la atraccion. Todo iba mas alla de lo simple porque lo que nos mantenia ligados el uno al otro era nuestra loca manera de pensar y de ver este bello mundo.
Sin embargo, el tiempo pasol nuestros cuerpos se separaron y algo en ti y en mi cambio. Para nuestro reencuentro mi corazon palpitaba con gran energia porque un bello arreglo de rosas te entregaria. Todo parecia renovado. El amor era perfecto. Creimos poder vencer a todo y todos por que creimos en nuestros sueños e ideales, pero sobretodo sabiamos que la distancia solo era un pretexto para amarnos mas y mas.
La metamorfosis llego, nuestros mismos ojos, aparentemente el mismo amor; pero habia algo nuevo que se podia ver mas alla de las ventanas del alma. Ya no eramos niños ni tampoco adultos. Pero ambos teniamos nuestros retos personales, que no iban con los ideales de un amor de verano. Yo, de mi parte, no era de los que se abrian por completo y dejaba ver mas alla de la vacias palabras. Tu, la que intentaba ser mas racional y medir lo que diria, hablando mas pero dejando un lado oscuro y misterioso. Un lado de los dos, que a ambos nos consumia el alma.
Nuestra aparencia interna cambiol el amor se escondio tras los sueños y metas que juntos idealizamos tanto. Una onda de humo invadio y trunco a dos locos jugando a enamorarse. Aunque el intento para no separarse no fue grande, los antiguos daños, las cicatrices recien sanadas, y las situaciones personales... eso y mucho mas carcomieron el amor de dos seres que creyeron poder venver al mundo cuando ni siquiera pudieron superar sus fluctuaciones.
No son ni mejores ni peores, solo que ahora intentan conmprender el sentido de esta vida, lo que realmente quiere para cada uno, si es que asi es, o solamente fue un amor que surgio de la casualidad. Pero mientras casa quien por su lado lo descubre, el Amor que existio y que habita en lo profundo de sus corazones, se pinta, se disfraza, y se maquilla solo para ser descubierto para no tener que revivir o reinciciar algo con dos locos que aprendieron junto a él, a conocer de cerca el Amor.
Porque por ahora se conforma con maquillaje, tapandose quizas para desaparecer o quizas para ver si ese par de inocentes adolescentes deciden jugar nuevamente al amor. Porque el amor divierte cuando se aprende a reir junto a él pero sobretodo cuando se hace complice de la vida misma.
- XXXXX XXXXXX XXXXXX
(Sorry I didn't include accents. Los agrego luego!)
It Pays to be Greek
They use them. They take every opportunity to take advantage of their situations.They may very well even lie about them. They make an entire living from women.
And people love it.
They pay to see it. And make them FAMOUS.
Conclusion: successful comedians are very fond of their wives.
*pa-dum-pum tsh!*
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
And people love it.
They pay to see it. And make them FAMOUS.
Conclusion: successful comedians are very fond of their wives.
*pa-dum-pum tsh!*
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Rules of Engagement
So many years... Years of pain, and sweat, and tears. So very many efforts; many arguments, little accomplishments. How many years were invested into "us"?
This is why it just wasn't enough. Love alone is simply... never... enough.
We can always say this chapter began and concluded with a dead marriage. A sacred union turned into a mocking, false aspiration of something that was never really tangible in the first place.
We both knew it was over the morning we awoke into a habit. A real habit. The kind that numbs your existence into a feeble whisper of what should have been. The dawn broke clearly into the bedroom. I found myself facing the door. He faced the window. He didn't bother kissing me good morning. I can't say I acknowledged him myself. We didn't care to put the forth the effort, I suppose. I stayed still, lying on my side of the bed to hear the shuffle of his weight from the mattress to the dresser. He began to get dressed and I couldn't even bring myself to look at him. I didn't want to. Too many years and counting, but it ended that day without a decent milestone to define it.
Just the realization that we had become exactly who we promised to never be.
So I pulled myself up--soul and all-- off of our bed as he walked toward it. I helped him make the bed in silence. He brushed his teeth while I got dressed. I brushed my teeth as he went downstairs to the kitchen.
That Sunday morning in August, he let me do the dishes. I let him sweep.
I knew I loved him. I had absolutely no doubt in my mind that he loved me as well. He took out the trash. I cleared the table. We cleaned out the remnants of a night designed to salvage anything that might have survived the institution that had become a savage prison. We soon discovered that the only things that would remain were a couple of empty wine bottles and half-eaten chocolate cake.
And yet, somewhere deep inside we still loved each other though somewhere along the way we lost the specific reasons.
We kissed each other a quick goodbye and with the promise that he'd come to pick me up later. We didn't go to church that Sunday.
I knew our moment had passed and was irretrievable. He was gone too and that house seemed more empty than ever before. This house, that held our fondest memories, was almost unbearable now. It suffocated the thought that I might still be able to create new ones with the man I called my husband.
I took my ring from the rim of the sink, stared at it for a full two minutes and put it in my back pocket. The pressure of the house's weight lifted just enough. I thought of my family and how they would take this. But something inside me felt more alive. Something inside me was gasping at the fresh air coming from the window that was left open.
It rained that evening. The soil came to life and, as always, it was as if I had inhaled the intoxicating aroma of humidity and fresh earth for the very first time. The icy drops felt like frosty bullets. They held me to him that night... made me protect him... helped me stay.
This is why it just wasn't enough. Love alone is simply... never... enough.
We can always say this chapter began and concluded with a dead marriage. A sacred union turned into a mocking, false aspiration of something that was never really tangible in the first place.
We both knew it was over the morning we awoke into a habit. A real habit. The kind that numbs your existence into a feeble whisper of what should have been. The dawn broke clearly into the bedroom. I found myself facing the door. He faced the window. He didn't bother kissing me good morning. I can't say I acknowledged him myself. We didn't care to put the forth the effort, I suppose. I stayed still, lying on my side of the bed to hear the shuffle of his weight from the mattress to the dresser. He began to get dressed and I couldn't even bring myself to look at him. I didn't want to. Too many years and counting, but it ended that day without a decent milestone to define it.
Just the realization that we had become exactly who we promised to never be.
So I pulled myself up--soul and all-- off of our bed as he walked toward it. I helped him make the bed in silence. He brushed his teeth while I got dressed. I brushed my teeth as he went downstairs to the kitchen.
That Sunday morning in August, he let me do the dishes. I let him sweep.
I knew I loved him. I had absolutely no doubt in my mind that he loved me as well. He took out the trash. I cleared the table. We cleaned out the remnants of a night designed to salvage anything that might have survived the institution that had become a savage prison. We soon discovered that the only things that would remain were a couple of empty wine bottles and half-eaten chocolate cake.
And yet, somewhere deep inside we still loved each other though somewhere along the way we lost the specific reasons.
We kissed each other a quick goodbye and with the promise that he'd come to pick me up later. We didn't go to church that Sunday.
I knew our moment had passed and was irretrievable. He was gone too and that house seemed more empty than ever before. This house, that held our fondest memories, was almost unbearable now. It suffocated the thought that I might still be able to create new ones with the man I called my husband.
I took my ring from the rim of the sink, stared at it for a full two minutes and put it in my back pocket. The pressure of the house's weight lifted just enough. I thought of my family and how they would take this. But something inside me felt more alive. Something inside me was gasping at the fresh air coming from the window that was left open.
It rained that evening. The soil came to life and, as always, it was as if I had inhaled the intoxicating aroma of humidity and fresh earth for the very first time. The icy drops felt like frosty bullets. They held me to him that night... made me protect him... helped me stay.
While We Wait...
In essence, I can only wonder if the light is shining at all. I look around tired and weary of a day without further production. Never have I felt so fulfilled for such an extended period of time--I think. It is not about the hours or minutes, but what is it?
Perhaps it is myself. Darkened sense of humor, lovely smile. Nothing particular, I suppose. My purpose: none of the moment, but in total to do what is only enjoyable and controversially productive. Philosophize. (And delight in the occasional fictional excerpt of my mind.)
So I write. I write so as not to forget what I thought and later remember what I had forgotten. Then re-think. And write again. Stay with me here; It is essential for me to have your attention to remember what will be so quickly forgotten in the seemingly eternal span of life in which we are but a millionth of a second.
Seemingly only because I have no denomination in the way I lead my life, but to know and believe.
You will have from me raw representations of thought. And if you can bear the thought, please do so.
COMING SOON: "Banana Pancakes: a herstory"
Perhaps it is myself. Darkened sense of humor, lovely smile. Nothing particular, I suppose. My purpose: none of the moment, but in total to do what is only enjoyable and controversially productive. Philosophize. (And delight in the occasional fictional excerpt of my mind.)
So I write. I write so as not to forget what I thought and later remember what I had forgotten. Then re-think. And write again. Stay with me here; It is essential for me to have your attention to remember what will be so quickly forgotten in the seemingly eternal span of life in which we are but a millionth of a second.
Seemingly only because I have no denomination in the way I lead my life, but to know and believe.
You will have from me raw representations of thought. And if you can bear the thought, please do so.
COMING SOON: "Banana Pancakes: a herstory"
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